Bored at work?

[Kjoxxer]

KJ's got the cure for what ailes you!

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Some highlights include:

(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie

Am I going to burn in hell? Yes, but It's going to be a fun ride getting there, enjoy ;)

Also,.... 10 things you didn't know about Emoticons!

http://www.neatorama.com/2009/05/05/10-things-you-didnt-know-about-emoticons/

[Aoirlough]

Dude...just keep posting texts from last night so I can read something on my lunch. Just copy and past a huge fuck ton of them.

[Kjoxxer]

(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

(617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

(308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

(863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

(848): I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

(612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.

(619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

(571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sure what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

(325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

(847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

(570): Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad

(330): I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

(602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
(623): What did she do!?
(602): I didn't tell her...

(603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

(502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

(763): i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.

(440): wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

(913): I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

(323): You got in a fight last night?
(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

(207): It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..

(763): I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off

(678): I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.

(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

(954): You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?

(443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

(217): How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???

(514): just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

(727): He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.

(612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

(314): he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex

(336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

(703): Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'

(414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
(719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
(414): are you serious?

(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

(510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

(615): drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

(360): two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
(206): only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

(614): She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

[Kjoxxer]

(215): he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.

(828): if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

(44): What's everyones problem with my costume?!
(1-44): It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

(850): Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
(1-850): Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

(253): I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door

(917): I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
(518): Huh?
(917): I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.

(440): Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
(1-440): because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

(502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
(973): I'm moving there. Get me hired.

(508): Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby

(250): Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?

(678): What are you drinking?
(404): Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

(205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
(1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

(904): im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!

(512): Did yall have sex?
(214): Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
(512): Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen

(403): are you so shy because you have an std?

(443): and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

(503): Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
(360): im coming over.

(956): What do you think she thinks of us?
(1-956): I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us

(412): Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
(1-412): Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.

(850): It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking

(917): Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
(914): That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian

(402): Chicken burrito, or no deal.
(1-402): Is that code for my vagina?
(402): Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

(818): We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

(570): I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.

(734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

(650): like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.

(732): FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

(216): He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.

(917): Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.

(267): i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
(267): i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.

(631): Can you return condoms to CVS?
(516): Only if you return your pride as well.

(703): capris are just wrong
(703): its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"

(925): when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?

(856): I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw

(347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

(352): I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
(352): Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

(908): Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
(908): Fuck I'm high.

(313): I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
(1-313): Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."

(608): So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
(608): Just another sign I need to get out of this town

(503): idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.

(336): i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.

(620): Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me

(641): are you wasted or are you getting laid?
(515): ebdebdebdebd
(641): wow

(425): Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.

[Aoirlough]

LMAO! I like the one from Cleveland 216 and 440!

[Darhole]

ahahhahaha this is great ty!